15 Conversations to Have Before the Engagement Ring Comes Out

You may have been an official item with your other half for quite some time now. You probably know them inside and out, you’re two peas in a pod and you’re deeply, madly in love. And maybe you’ve even dropped a few subtle (or not so subtle) hints about ring styles or ‘accidentally’ left a jeweller’s tab open to let them know that you’re thinking about popping the question.

But before either of you buys a ring or books that flash mob ahead of a grand proposal, there’s something even more important than the diamond to think about, which every couple really needs to tackle head-on: tThose deep, sometimes kinda awkward and uncomfortable, conversations.

Because, while your engagement is a beautiful chapter in your lives, marriage is everything else that comes after it in the story. And for many couples, it’s an ongoing story that will have lots of twists and turns. But, to make sure you have that happy ending, you need to discuss some important stuff to make sure you’re both on the same page. 

The best relationships aren’t just built on romance, but also on understanding, clarity and the kind of honesty that isn’t always sexy, but is always necessary. And believe it or not, there’s more you need to clear up than just the obvious ‘how many children do you want?’ or ‘where do you want to retire?’ 

So, here are 15 real and meaningful questions every couple should ask to spark important conversations before the question is popped, to make sure you don’t just know each other from top to bottom, but the awkward middle bit, too.

1. Why do we want to get married?

It’s one thing to want to get married, but it’s something else entirely to understand why you want to get married. Are you doing it because you think you should? Because you’re getting pressure from your family? Or because you know you want to spend the rest of your life with one person whom you promise to love and adore through thick and thin?

If it’s the last one, great!

This seems like an obvious question, but it’s important that you agree on why the two of you want to tie the knot. Approach it from an emotional, cultural and even spiritual level. It’s a great way to make sure you’re walking into it with shared intentions.

2. What does ‘forever’ look like?

‘Forever’ can mean different things to different people. The two of you need to align on what forever looks like and if you think forever means doing what you’re doing now forever, or being prepared to go through the hard stuff forever, too.

Talk about how you each see life unfolding, including career dreams, home life and family dynamics, to make sure those future dreams play well together.

3. Where do we see ourselves living?

Tying into the point above, where you live now isn’t necessarily where you might like to live in the future. If you have visions of some day living in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by fields, one pub and a post office that closes at midday, but your partner wants to live in the hustle and bustle of the city, you need to figure it out fast.

Similarly, you also need to think about whether you both share the same ambitions when it comes to renting or buying, and if you want to stay near family. Or, maybe one of you would like to move abroad someday.

Even if you’re happy where you are now, long-term location goals matter. Talk them through clearly – there might even be some sort of compromise you can figure out.

4. Do we want children (and what are our parenting values)?

This is another obvious one, but it’s super important. Arguably, it’s the most important.

You and your partner need to be crystal clear with each other about your thoughts on whether you want children. And it’s important for you to take their answer as gospel – if they say they want to stay child-free, but you think they might change their mind or you change it for them, it could lead to tension (and disappointment on your part) down the line.

And it’s not just about whether or not you want children, either. How many do you want? When do you want them? What sort of parenting values do you have, like discipline, education or screen time?

This isn’t a casual conversation, but it’s absolutely essential.

5. How do our careers fit into our life together?

This is another one for which you’ll need to think ahead. Yes, your careers might sync up pretty nicely now, but what aspirations do you have for the future, and what does that mean for the two of you?

If one of you is travelling a lot, how does the other one feel? Will one of you work nights while the other works during the day, meaning you never get to see each other?

If everything works out how you’d like it to, do your careers suit what each other is hoping for in a marriage? If not, are there sacrifices you’re willing to make to ensure your marriage is as successful as your careers?

Marriage often requires coordinating two big ambitions, and this conversation helps set expectations before resentment or frustration ever sneaks in.

6. How will we handle money?

Talking about money is never easy, and you can’t assume the two of you are on the same page, as many people have different ideas about how to manage money.

You need to think about whether you’ll keep your own separate bank accounts, if you’ll have one joint account, or a mix of the two.

Money is one of the top stressors in long-term relationships. And a lack of money per se often isn’t the cause of money-related arguments between couples, but rather mismatched attitudes. Are you a saver and they’re a spender? What’s your approach to debt? Budgeting? Big purchases?

A clear understanding of what you and your partner want to do money-wise will go a long way towards a long and happy marriage.

7. How do we divide household responsibilities?

A good household is like a well-oiled machine, with lots of jobs required to make sure it doesn’t break down and keeps chugging along. Here are just a few of the responsibilities you’ll need to divvy up, so make sure you at least have a pretty good idea about who would take on what: 

• Cooking
• Cleaning
• Shopping
• Bills
• Washing up
• Laundry
• Mowing the lawn
• Washing the car

The list goes on. You don’t have to go as far as writing up a chore chart, but just need some clarity and alignment. Because what this boils down to is respect – you both want to have that mutual respect, which you’ll have if you share the load. The last thing either one of you wants is to feel like the other doesn’t pull their weight, which can cause a lot of friction.

8. How much alone time do we need?

You and your other half have likely been together a long time, and if you’re thinking about getting engaged, there’s obviously a lot of love there. You also likely spend a lot of time together, to the point where your friends and family consider you inseparable.

But, do you actually appreciate a bit of alone time? 

Some people recharge by spending time on their own. Others get energy from being together 24/7. What’s your balance? Do you need some time to yourself, or an escape where you can focus on your hobbies?

A strong marriage often means supporting each other’s independence as much as your togetherness. Knowing what your partner needs to reduce their anxieties and recharge will help you grow and stay strong.

9. How do we handle conflict?

Every couple fights. It’s part of being two unique individuals who’ve come together in love. The magic isn’t in avoiding conflict; it’s in how you get through it.

Are you both able to communicate when you’re upset? Do you shut down or blow up? Do you walk away or see things through? Can you apologise and take accountability?

Talk about how you argue and how you want to improve, because the last thing you want is an explosive marriage where the two of you constantly fight but never make up.

10. What are our love languages?

Believe it or not, if you don’t talk about how you express yourself around each other, it can lead to some truly major beef in the future. 

Maybe you’re someone who needs to be reassured all the time. Maybe your partner express love by doing the dishes. Maybe one of you is a lot more touchy-feely than the other.

Understanding how you each give and receive love can transform how appreciated and connected you feel. If you both fully understand each other and respect each other’s boundaries, it can be the key to a long and happy marriage.

11. What role do our families play?

By the time you’re discussing marriage, you’ve probably met your partner’s family (and vice versa) many times. You might even be besties with them now, hence why you feel comfortable taking this massive step. But, you need to think about what you’d like the family dynamic to be once the two of you are officially official.

For example, you need to think about how close you both are with your respective families (and possibly soon-to-be each other’s families). How involved do you expect them to be in your future life together?

This includes holidays and trips away, occasions like Christmas, decision-making, childcare and even boundaries. Some families are tight-knit, while others are more hands-off. Navigating the sensitive subject of family before saying ‘I do’ can prevent drama later.

12. How will we handle special occasions and traditions?

Holidays and traditions go way beyond religious beliefs. There might be certain things in your and your partner’s past lives which have always been there, which make them non-negotiable.

This can be particularly tricky if you’re both adamant that your mum makes the best roast potatoes at Christmas. Or maybe you just have to go to your gran’s on Boxing Day for some legendary leftovers.

Special occasions can become emotional landmines if you don’t agree in advance how you want to celebrate, rotate and prioritise. Start the conversation now, or think about what sort of brand-new traditions the two of you can establish together. 

13. How do we maintain friendships outside the relationship?

Marriage isn’t about cutting yourself off from the world and only staying within your newly formed romance bubble. It’s important that you maintain relationships with your friends, which might mean the odd day or night out without your spouse. So, talk about your expectations and trust. You don’t want to dictate what they can and can’t do, but do want to make sure you’re both honest and open about your expectations.

This conversation makes sure you have the freedom to do what makes you happy, and you both have trust and respect for each other.

14. What are our core values and beliefs?

You must make sure you understand each other’s approach to faith, politics and ethics. Many couples consist of two people who firmly belong on either side of the coin when it comes to certain things, but you need to make sure you understand and respect this if that’s the case. It’s unlikely that the two of you will align on absolutely everything, but these values and beliefs will often shape the decisions you make as your marriage grows.

It’s not about trying to convince your partner that your views are right. It’s about understanding each other’s point of view.

15. How do we want to grow as people and as a couple?

Your life might take you in loads of different directions, but it’s great to talk about what sort of thing you might want to do together – and apart – to grow as people.

Do you want to travel more? Take classes together? Go to therapy? Start a business? Meditate? Raise chickens?

Talk about what this growth might look like and how you’ll keep learning, evolving and cheering each other on even decades after the wedding is an amazing but distant memory.

Marriage isn’t just about loving each other today; it’s about committing to who you both want to become.

Final thoughts

When you’re married, there’s way more to life than deciding what’s for dinner and snuggling under a blanket to watch a movie. And many of those things will involve difficult, awkward, cringey and sometimes upsetting conversations. That’s why it’s best to tackle them before leaping into engaged life, so you both fully understand what each other wants and expects from a marriage.

But it’s important to remember that these questions and conversations aren’t a checklist. They’re a way to grow closer, learn something new and build the kind of trust that makes lifelong love feel safe and exciting all at once.

And when you have all the answers you’re looking for, then it’s definitely time to think about ring shopping!

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Happy Planning!